There is some seriously funny shit on Amazon.
Exhibit A:
Big Daddy’s Girl Hooker Prostitute Sexy Luxurious Crushed Velvet with Leopard Trim Costume Adult Teen Fits Size 2-8
The accompanying review is sweet too (hat tip):
Finally!
“Big Daddy’s Girl”, “Hooker”, “Prostitute”, “Sexy”, “Luxurious” and “Leopard Trim” are all words that my twelve year old daughter has been striving to represent since those days when she realized she was old enough to stop playing with Bratz and finally be one (which was actually just a couple of days ago, come to think of it). I was going to go with an outfit that was just called “Hot Stripper Costume for Your Little Girl”, but this one has so many more descriptive words. What’s not to like?It seems like kids are growing up and becoming indentured sex workers so fast these days **tear**, well, at least all seven of mine have.
I want more funny Amazon shit like the Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz Reviews (several of them are really good)
No gift wrapping
There are few gifts I like to recieve more than milk. Whole milk too. That’s the kind of milk that says that it’s real. It’s right. It’s whole. I want that milk to sit there for years because that’s what you do with milk. There’s nothing better than milk - well except maybe radishes.
or this review from Mister Quickly
Something I’d like to ‘chair with you
First of all, I tried the exercise “The Invisible Chair” and all I can say about it is that I no longer use “visible chairs.” At the home, out in the yard, at the cafe, it doesn’t matter where. At the bus stop I look at the other bus patrons with a smirk. I seem as though I’m about to sit on the bench — and then right next to the bench — I neatly fold myself and do the invisible chair exercise, reading my magazine, self-satisfied.However, I’ve come across a problem. The authors do nothing to explain how I might cross my legs and lean back, all casual.
Also, I haven’t tried the diet yet.
The Contest Rules
Comment with the funniest thing you can find on amazon.com. I don’t care if its a review, a product, or whatever – as long as it’s on amazon.com and hilarious. Quote and/or describe the relevant humor. and link submit a link.
Winner gets . . . i donno; something cool (maybe cash, maybe something better – we’ll see.).
Enter as often as you like.
12 Responses to “Amazon Humor Contest”
This $500 cat5 cable easily has a dozen hilarious reviews:
http://www.amazon.com/Denon-AKDL1-Dedicated-Link-Cable/dp/B000I1X6PM
Example:
“My best friend and I hooked up this Denon cable to my hi-fi system. Unfortunately my little sister, just before being grounded, turned on the CD player before me and my bud were ready. We tried to make it to the couch but the wave of incredible audio clarity enveloped us like an exploding nebula, I’ve never heard a Genesis CD sound so beautiful and yet be so terrified at the same time. My best friend sacrificed himself going behind the stereo system to reroute power to the out of phase amplifier. I buried my friend in a coffin the shape of a Star Trek branded MP3 player.”
My favorite is the Badonkadonk Tank:
http://www.amazon.com/JL421-Badonkadonk-Land-Cruiser-Tank/dp/B00067F1CE
It is one of the funniest product names, products, and has some great reviews such as. The product is a small personal tank with features such as:
“400 watt premium sound with PA system, plush interior, and external camera.”
Review:
“I bought one of these Donks ’cause I thought the cops wouldn’t hastle me in it. Since it aint road legal I figured it wouldn’t matter that I don’t got a driver’s license anymore (It’s that kinda “outa the box” thinkin that’s got me where I am in life). I figured when the cops said “Billy, you know you aint supposed to be drivin a car anymore” I could say “I aint drivin a car, I’m drivin a Donk” and then crank up “Freebird” on my 400 Watt stereo as I lay down a thick patch of rubber with the 6hp fire-breathin power plant and maybe let out a rebel yell as I go up on 2 wheels and squeeze between the 2 squad cars they had set up as a road block. Then when they pulled out their guns and tried to stop me the bullets would just rikoshay off my trusty Donk as I glance matter-of-factly into the rear view mirror and flick the ash off my Marlboro in symbolic contempt of the agressors what I had just thwarted. “
This Henry Raddick dude has tons of reviews up - all I’m pretty sure for products he never bought - several are hilarous. Here’s his review of the Pop-up Book of Phobias:
“5.0 out of 5 stars Tremendous
By Henry Raddick (London UK) - See all my reviews
This pop-up book is sure to be a winner - the spiders and snakes seem to leap out of the page at you. Well-conceived and beautifully executed, it even had something for my homophobic Uncle Sandy.”
Pocket Massage for Stress Relief (Yoga for Living)
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent, May 20, 2002
A tremendous book to help soothe and relax. I tried a little “pocket massage” on a train recently - it certainly relieved the stress, but do remember to chose your venue with care, especially if you are using essential oils.
The Uranium Ore page is a favorite of mine. Looks like a bunch of the original reviews were removed though.
“We are always in compliance with Section 13 from part 40 of the NRC Nuclear Regulatory Commission rules and regulations and Postal Service regulations specified in 49 CFR 173.421 for activity limits of low level radioactive materials. Item will be shipped in accordance with Postal Service activity limits specified in Publication 52.”
Anal Douche, various sexual lubes, and other insanity was listed in the “Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought” section at one time. Seriously… lolz
http://www.amazon.com/review/R2KK55NVPR533Z/ref=cm_cr_rdp_perm
Have you ever wondered why companies put “do not drink” on items that no-one would ever drink. Like motor Oil for example?
This is a review for a Fake Urine kit. Designed to help you pass drug tests. However this customer has a diffrent use in mind. Drink up!
That’s wrong on so many levels.
I hope I still qualify even though this is on amazon.co.uk, this is a review
http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R3QR3AC2WXWHIT/
its a review of a pen.
I just posted a review for “spotted dick” but I don’t know if it will get accepted.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000II27QE/ref=cm_cr_rev_prod_img
Here is what I posted.
“If you thought spotted dick was only for little boys visiting Michael Jackson, then you are wrong. Now everyone can enjoy the salty taste of spotted dick in their mouth. For best satisfaction, make sure you swallow!”
I just posted another review for “XL Pet Pump With Cyberskin Smoke & Ice” but I don’t know if this one will get accepted either.
Here is what I posted.
“I had great success with penis pumps back in the 70’s. I was young and had little confidence in myself because of my small size. How small was I? Japanese porn stars made me look small, that is how bad I was.
My dog, Rex has been acting a little depressed lately and I thought maybe he is suffering from the same problem I suffered in the 70’s. He hasn’t pulled any “tail” that I know of and maybe the reason is that the female dogs laugh at his small size.
Looking through Amazon the other day I found this gem, the pet pump! I followed the instructions and results! Now Rex walks around like he is the “top dog” of the house. And he is! He now makes me look like the Japanese porn star when he whips out that red rocket!
highly recommended.
PS: I gave this product 4 stars instead of 5 because there was no warning about the mess that your pet makes when “pleasured” by this thing. I just threw it in the dishwasher but it is still disgusting.”
I think I win by posting this one (I’ll take my prize as forum membership to seoblackhat forum 
).
Rotate that 90 degrees, what does that look like to you?
http://www.amazon.com/Aquapets-Patrick/dp/B000O98O3M/ref=pd_bbs_3?ie=UTF8&s=toys-and-games&qid=1216562443&sr=8-3
There was a Dora the Explorer Aqua Pet on Amazon earlier, and the reviews people had left were hilarious.
http://www.wanderings.net/notebook/Main/DoraTheExlorerSexToy
It used to be listed on Amazon but they clearly have pulled it recently, the comments went along the lines of a reviewer pretending to be quite pleased with the purchase saying something along the lines of how he bought it for his daughter, and now both his wife and daughter seem quite pleased with when he’s away on business.
Another review after that pretended to be his wife saying saying something like “2 feet up, way up” or something along those lines.
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I could not believe I found this product review.
http://www.amazon.com/review/RD6U9MLXOSLIF/ref=cm_cr_rdp_perm
“Really I ordered the large and found it much too small. I tried it out first on a partially full mayonnaise jar to test it under battle field conditions and it wasn’t big enough, so I know it wouldn’t work for my dainty lil’ cupcake. Way out here on the compound we have to take care of our own medical problems, so now I’m not sure what to do. Oh well, at least when she has the triplets they’ll be able to stroll right out together.”