SEO Black Hat: SEO Blog and Private Forum

Thanks Google, that is exactly what i meant.

Tagged: funny |

There is some seriously funny shit on Amazon.

Exhibit A:

Big Daddy’s Girl Hooker Prostitute Sexy Luxurious Crushed Velvet with Leopard Trim Costume Adult Teen Fits Size 2-8

The accompanying review is sweet too (hat tip):

Finally!
“Big Daddy’s Girl”, “Hooker”, “Prostitute”, “Sexy”, “Luxurious” and “Leopard Trim” are all words that my twelve year old daughter has been striving to represent since those days when she realized she was old enough to stop playing with Bratz and finally be one (which was actually just a couple of days ago, come to think of it). I was going to go with an outfit that was just called “Hot Stripper Costume for Your Little Girl”, but this one has so many more descriptive words. What’s not to like?

It seems like kids are growing up and becoming indentured sex workers so fast these days **tear**, well, at least all seven of mine have.

 

I want more funny Amazon shit like the Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz Reviews (several of them are really good)

No gift wrapping

There are few gifts I like to recieve more than milk. Whole milk too. That’s the kind of milk that says that it’s real. It’s right. It’s whole. I want that milk to sit there for years because that’s what you do with milk. There’s nothing better than milk - well except maybe radishes.

 

or this review from Mister Quickly

Something I’d like to ‘chair with you
First of all, I tried the exercise “The Invisible Chair” and all I can say about it is that I no longer use “visible chairs.” At the home, out in the yard, at the cafe, it doesn’t matter where. At the bus stop I look at the other bus patrons with a smirk. I seem as though I’m about to sit on the bench — and then right next to the bench — I neatly fold myself and do the invisible chair exercise, reading my magazine, self-satisfied.

However, I’ve come across a problem. The authors do nothing to explain how I might cross my legs and lean back, all casual.

Also, I haven’t tried the diet yet.

 

The Contest Rules

Comment with the funniest thing you can find on amazon.com. I don’t care if its a review, a product, or whatever – as long as it’s on amazon.com and hilarious. Quote and/or describe the relevant humor. and link submit a link.

Winner gets . . . i donno; something cool (maybe cash, maybe something better – we’ll see.).

Enter as often as you like.

Tagged: funny |

Work has been non-stop lately and we finally got a a few projects where they need to be. On Copyblogger, Brian Asked “What to Do When Your Idea Sucks?”

In my case, i’ll just publish this crappy post and take a much needed vacation for the next few days away from my computer.

The 9 personality types of a Comment Spammer:

1. The Suck-Up:

Wow great site! Some really helpful information there. I’m sorry for little off-topic, but I want to ask you about design of this site. Did you make this template yourself or got from any templates website? Looks pretty cool for me

 

2. The Foreigner

Wonderful well this reading. More Mr Sparkle send greeting at Japan. LOL

 

3. Mr Turrets Syndrome:

Purple car parts, Rusty Ringtones, Used Alligator Book Racks, Q-Tips Currency trading, Expert Smoker’s Bottle, car insurance mercury rate

 

4. The Compulsive Gambler:

800% free sign-up bonus at supper lucky guy casinos. Win big cash fast payouts!

 

5. The Exhibitionist:

Watch me sucking and slurping these 14 guys at superhorneyslutshack.ru - 3 days just $1.99! Also, check out my great webcam sex profile.

 

6.The Combatant:

Is this today’s blog post or did your dog just shit on the keyboard? Check out my site for far better information.

 

7. The Crazed Drug Addict:

Buy Cheap Viagra Here Hydrocodine online buy ambient discount phentermine order phentermine phentermine phentermine online cheap phentermine.

 

8.The Insecure Guy:

This penis pump and these cock enlargement pills helped me add 7 inches in just two weeks.

 

9.The Headbanger:

adklgd dgdjls galse maoeral pgjmew dsg e brfa ragesae asknlasd gad lkhpwen ghasopg tnesg pqqilk

 

Weak.

It could have been funny but I clearly need to recharge. SEO BlackHat should be back to form next week.

Here are some quick hat tips to interesting posts:

Comprehensive State of Online Gambling (Del.icio.us that post if you promote gambling)

SEO by the SEA’s Search Engine Ranking Factors

What’s that mean? Translating Rejections from Chick to Geek by SEO Egghead.

Digg is Doomed Seriously, that site is sooo slow. They need some faster way to access the DB and build pages.

Tagged: Funny |

Via Waxy, I found this entry in the Uncyclopedia For Google. It’s Hilarious . . .and under the creative commons License! So, I put the whole article here in case you want to discuss in the comment section:

“ I must say, I love their image search, I can type in anything I want and I’ll get such sexy naked pictures in return and the best part is no one knows! Wait, the govenment monitors these now? Oh, dear….”~ Oscar Wilde on Google Image Search

“I’m going to fucking bury that thing, I have done it before, and I will do it again… I’m going to fucking killâ„¢ Google”
~ Steve Ballmer on Google

“Don’t Google the question Moss!”~ Chris O’Dowd on Google

Google is the world’s most popular file-sharing network, powered by their patented EvilRank technology.

History of Google

The word ‘Google’ is derived from the latin word googlus which can be translated variously as “search engine that finds great Pr0n“, “The Great Satan”, or “Error 404: File Not Found”. Google Inc. began on the 6th of June 1996 (66′96)as a highly secret government program focusing on the effect of blank pages on Internet users. After three years of subjecting hapless Internets users to the pages, the project collapsed under fire from top government officials for failing to collect any data whatsoever.
Read the rest of this entry »

Tagged: Funny |

As I sit here writing on the world’s greatest personal computer (The Mac Pro Quad Xeon 64-bit workstation with dual 30 inch monitors):

I can’t help but pity you Wal-Mart shoppers who still use software from the Antichrist (Microsoft) and can’t figure out how to get on the front page of Digg (Idiots!).

So, I did some statistical analysis, using my Open Office Firefox plugin, of all the stories that made the front page of Digg in the past year and have come up with:

The 10 Steps to Guarantee You Make the Digg Front Page

Hopefully, you will be able to use them before we all die because of global warming next year . . .

1. Make A List or Tutorial Headline. Your Headline should make it seem like the reader’s online success is just a 5 minute read away. Remember, the average digger has the attention span of a gnat on crack. Diggers want the fast, easy answer that will solve all their problems. Your headline must appeal to people with severe ADD or most people won’t even read your article - let alone Digg it.

*In the past year, a “top 10” or “top 100” list has made the front page on average once every other day.

2. Write about Digg. Could a site be any more narcissistic? I think not. Digg likes itself so much that Paris Hilton looks about as humble as a Nun by comparison. People must be sitting at their computers going “OMG Look it’s a story about Digg! That’s sooooooo cool! I’ll totally digg that!” Bonus points if you mention Kevin Rose.

* In the past year, stories with “Digg” in the submission have made the front page a whopping 554 times and mentioned Kevin Rose by name an average of once a week.

3. Appeal to the Apple fanboys. Did you hear from someone who knows someone who served a Cream Chai Latte to Steve Jobs about some Mac Rumor? Well that’s front page Digg Material all the way! Don’t know why, but if Apple lets out a fart, diggers can’t wait to comment on the rosy smell.

* Stories with “Apple” in the Submission have made the front page a mind blowing 1225 times in the past year.

4. Doom and Gloom about how Global Warming will destroy us all. Who cares if we only have real data that covers about 1/20,000,000 of the earth’s history? (unless you’re a creationist, then it’s like 1/40th). So what if there is nothing but anecdotal evidence to support almost every claim? Does it matter that world’s best meteorologists can’t even tell me if it’s going to rain tomorrow?

No!

Diggers don’t really like to DO anything about global warming, but feel guilty about it despite a lack of conclusive evidence. In that sense, I guess it’s kinda like “Religion 2.0”. Diggers will Digg Global warming Doom and Gloom stories so they can “feel” like they “did something” to “help mankind.” All while consuming more electricity, more oil and more natural resources than the 80% of the world’s population that doesn’t even have a computer.

* A junk science, doom and Gloom story about Global Warming will make the front page of Digg on average of once a week.

5. Write about how great Firefox is. When it comes to Firefox, no story is too lame, no plugin is too useless and no article can praise Firefox too much for the front page of Digg. Sure, it’s just a freaking browser. Sure, it leaks memory faster than . . . umm . . . some kind of leaky thing leaking much faster than usual. Sure no one really needs YAFFFP - but who cares?!?

* In the past year, a firefox story has made the front page on average once every day.

6. Remember: Walmart, George Bush, and Fox News have NEVER done ANYTHING right. Everything they do is because they are 100% evil to the core. This REAL Axis of Evil delights in the clear-cutting of forests just for shits and giggles, the sadistic torture of children, and is right now plotting the Next 9/11 attack on America. Here’s a link to a Jon Stewart Video that proves it’s all true!

* * actually, I’m not a fan of George Bush; but his coverage on Digg is more rigged than a Diebold voting machine. Maybe he should ask for a Digg recount?

7. Repeat after me: “Microsoft sucks, Microsoft Sucks, Microsoft Sucks.” So what if 97% of all computer users use their products? Ignore that they’ve been the most consistent winner for the last 25 years in a space littered with failures. Who cares if their founder has given more to charity than any human in the history of mankind? They suck! And they are evil! Why? Because it’s cool to say so.

Don’t believe me? Check out this screenshot of the most recent Digg front page Microsoft Stories. I was going to parody it up, but there’s no need!

* 94% of the front page articles that mentioned Microsoft in the past year cast the company in a negative light.

8. Make up outrageous statistics that you have not researched. State your opinions as fact. Sure, they might get vetted by some geek who has nothing better to do, but that probably won’t happen until you’ve already made the front page.

9. Insult as many groups as you can. Flamewars are popular for a reason. Throw out bombs that dare people to comment on your story. If you haven’t pissed off half your readers by the end of your article, it’s probably because you don’t have the balls or you’re too stupid to figure out how.

10. Include the word’s slowest loading Plugin so people can Digg your Story without leaving your site. If you manage to type 1000 words, there’s at least a chance that it will finish loading before the reader has finished reading your article. Then if you’re lucky, about 5% of your lazy-ass readers might actually click the button to digg your story:

Tagged: Funny, Link Bait, Digg, Best Posts |

This wonderful time sink at Threadwatch is one of the better flame wars I’ve seen in the SEO space. At first, I thought Danny’s uber smack-down of “The Heel” was going to be the best the thread could come up with:

Then, when I laughed out loud at John Andrew’s denial of existence comment:

c’mon guys. I’ve seen this chatter about this mythical guy Doug Heel and the I Hate You forums for years. Yeah, at first I fell for it. But c’mon, it’s really getting old, isn’t it?

 

I thought it might be tough race after all. Who was going to make the best comment in the thread? Was it going to be the Evil Spammer Jill Whalen? Scottie the researcher? Multiple Personality Aaron?

Well, after tons of great contributions by just about everyone, I think I have to give the thread to JasonD with this comment:

If only Doug could code his client’s sites as well as moaning about others’ legitimate work.

Doug, when will you learn mate?

 

A Dig at a Doug who’s a Heel with an XSS exploit on one of the Heel’s Client’s Site. That just might be the “Best. XSS. Ever.”

Of course, the real take away from this thread is that if are a programmer near Troy New York and want to work for one best and most respected SEOs in the Business, you should read this posting, answer these questions and contact Jim Boykin.

Tagged: funny, XSS |

I was having an IM conversation with the proprietor of My Hot or Not and he was asking me why his ctr was so low - like under 0.5%.

So I went to the site to have a look and nearly pissed myself laughing at the first google ad I saw (under the login).

I took a screenshot.

Can anyone guess why his CTR might not be that hot?

Tagged: funny |

Today, Google launched Google Images Labeler, a game with this description:

You’ll be randomly paired with a partner who’s online and using the feature. Over a 90-second period, you and your partner will be shown the same set of images and asked to provide as many labels as possible to describe each image you see. When your label matches your partner’s label, you’ll earn some points and move on to the next image until time runs out. After time expires, you can explore the images you’ve seen and the websites where those images were found. And we’ll show you the points you’ve earned throughout the session.

 

What the description should say is this:

You’ll be paired with a brain dead and partially blind fucktard who can’t spell or type. Over a 90-second period, you will loose all faith in humanity and have a homicidal rage build inside you to the point where you think that Jeffrey Dahmer might have been on to something. When you finally debase your mind to think how your opponent thinks, you may be allowed to look at the next image. After time expires, if you have not thrown your computer out your window or succeeded in committing suicide, you may continue to torture yourself by playing again

 

Don’t believe me? Let’s walk through a typical game . . .

You press start and this picture comes on the screen:

So you quickly bang out “candle”, “white candle”, “flame”, “fire”, “dark”, “wax” and “glow” in the first 4 seconds. The clock has counted down from 1:30 to 1:21 and your partner has entered one label that matches none of yours. Finally at 1:15 he puts in “candle” (100 points) and the next image appears:

You type “child”, “girl”, “young”, “cute”, “adorable”, “blonde”, “smirk”, “smile”. The donkey has typed 9 labels and none match. You press pass and when the clock counts down to 1:00 and he passes too. What the hell was that idiot typing?!? Ears? Marble? . . . Sexy!?! The next image pops up:

So you type in “Tom Cruise”. Mr. Asshat has one label. Instinctively, you know that he can’t spell “cruise” and type “tom cruze” for a quick match and you’re down to 0:55 with 200 points:

You type “disco”, “party”, “nightclub”, “bar”, “purple” . . . Your tormentor waits 5 seconds and wants to pass. WTF? Is that really that hard? Whatever, this next one will be easy:

You feverishly type “Beach”, “Sunset”, “Beach Sunset” and pause for a sec, the clock now reads 0:35. That fucktard has typed 2 labels. So you scramble to bang out “ocean”, “clouds”, “sun”, “skyline”, “waves”, “wave”, “reflection”, “running” . . . meanwhile that waste of oxygen on the other keyboard is up to 3 now and the clock reads 0:25. You type “runner”, “water”, “yellow”, and finally have a match with “orange” at 0:21.

At this point you want to reach through the screen and slap the shit out of that loser. “Orange”? Are you fucking kidding me? Who the hell looks at that picture and says “Orange is the best way to describe this one”. How is that going to help anyone? It’s a picture of a Beach Sunset and says BEACH SUNSET on it. And what the hell were his other 3 labels?!? But no time to think about that now, this image has just loaded on the screen with 20 seconds to go:

So you quickly type “railway”, “tracks”, “rail tracks”, “train tracks”, “train”, “rail”, “rails”, “tracks”. He has 4 labels . . . the clock is down to :08. You type “building”, “skyline”, “gloomy” . . . the clock says :02 and you type “I wanna kill that douchebag!” BUZZZZ time’s up. You scored a total of 300 points with your “partner”.

Your girlfriend asks you “what wrong?” as you are holding a fist full of your own hair in each hand.

Wanna play again?

Tagged: Funny, Link Bait |

While reading a post on SEO egghead today, I saw this comment that amused me:

We are currently working on a law in Tennessee to be submitted to the state congress after the elections. this law will make scraping, spamming and spyware felonies. Creators of the software that does this will receive jail time and fines. companies using the software including companies being advertised will get mandatory minimum fines of 10% of yearly gross income and can have their company assets seized. You might want to inact a law like this one in your states.

 

For fun, let’s fast forward 2 years to after these types of laws are passed nationwide and check one of the news stories on the front page CNN.com:

The Search Engine Spammer Crackdown Continues

Thursday October 26, 2008; Posted: 5:44 pm EDT

ATLANTA, Georgia — The FBI continued it’s crackdown on Search Engine Spammers today with a raid on an Internet tough guy’s trailer park home Headquarters in suburban Atlanta. Policed seized more than 3 Terabytes of data scraped from search engines that was allegedly used to make thousands of “spam” websites. Whitnesses say the 43 year-old’s live in mother was hysterical with tears.

The raid marks the 200th arrest based on the “Cleaning Up the Internet Scum Act” singed into law into law by President Schwarzenegger in February of this year. National Security Director and former Google Employee Matt Cutts has since spear-headed a Global crackdown on spam that included the extradition and arrests of 38 High profile U.K. search engine spammers in accordance with the 2006 Cybercrimes Treaty.

In related news, the sentencing phase of the controversial Mark Cuban Icerocket Scraper trail begins tomorrow. Cuban, the CEO of Icerocket, became the 2nd person convicted of Search Engine Spamming for “Scraping and willfully using other’s content to harvest Search Engine traffic for profit” under the “Cleaning Up the Internet Scum Act” on Tuesday. Topix CEO, Rich Skrenta was sentenced to 2 years and $421 million dollars in fines earlier this month for similar violations.

Outcries from anti-spam political group charge that this is not how the law was intended to be applied. This morning, Martha West of Company 2.0 said on the court steps of Cuban’s trial “When we lobbied for this law, we just wanted to go after the bad guys . . . you know . . . the Internet Scumbags. It was not supposed to be used against upstanding individuals like Mark Cuban or Rich Skrenta - Just against the bad guys; the (whispered) black hats”

Others have challenged the equality of the “Cleaning Up the Internet Scum Act” because of the so-called “Google Exception.” Article 5 section 2 states that a company may scrape, data mine, and create “beta” websites with impunity if its Search market share is greater than 70%. An amendment sponsored by Microsoft in is tied up in Congressional committee that seeks to lower that threshold to 2.5%.

Shares of GOOG were up 19 points today to close at 4,236.

Tagged: Funny, Politics, Future of Search |

If SEO Black Hat and Porn are the only website you bother frequenting then you might not of heard about Link Building Professional Andy Hagan and Aaron Wall’s latest link building article by now. In it, they list 101 ways to build links, but they left out the 7 Even More effective ways for you to build links to your websites.

So consider this post a much needed an appendix to that link building article:

At Webmaster Conferences:

1. Roll to Conferences with your digital camera and some super Hot Rent-a-Sluts. While a good time in and of itself, you can also use this opportunity to build links . . .

Just get those tramps to press their cleavage against several high profile webmasters, point, and shoot. Then Post the pictures on your website and email the webmaster saying “dude, you look like such a Pimp in this picture, check it out . . . and link it up!”.
Plus, it’s not like you weren’t gonna be droppin’ $2k on hookers that weekend anyway. Now, you can legitimately write them off as a business expense.

2. Hook people up with coke. Ever notice that the guy at the party with the coke is always the most popular? Aside from getting all the babes, if you give coke to other webmasters they’ll be sure to hook you up with some link love.

Blackmail

3. Get a picture of a Journalist in a “compromising position” and tell them they either link to you or the dirt goes public. The same props from link building suggestions 1 and 2 will come in handy here. And when I say “Journalist”, I don’t mean just some shitty blogger like me; I’m talkin’ like NBC, the BBC, or the New York times. (Come on, you don’t really believe that CNN would just naturally link to a site called “SEO Black Hat” – do you?)

Hoax Marketing

4. Can’t get the scoop on anything before everyone and their dog has blogged about it? Then make some shit up! It doesn’t matter if it’s far fetched or down right impossible. The crazier it is the better. Don’t worry; people will believe it AND link to it. You could even say something like you blackmailed a high profile reporter at CNN and some douchebags would fall for it.

Bribery

5. College kids are always short on cash and can often make blogs or web pages on juicy .edu domain. 2+2=links for you. For just the price of a case of Budweiser, you could land yourself multiple links from a prestigious university that will stick around for up to 4 years . . . or more!

Hacking

6. Hack other people’s websites: Why bother asking webmasters for a link? Become a 1337 and just take ‘em! Hax0r your way into other sites and insert your links wherever you damn well please.

Extortion

7. Join the Mafia. Why grovel for links from a webmaster when you can make him an offer he can’t refuse? Someone ignoring your “request” for a link trade? Send over some goons to bust his kneecaps! Smash that dork’s dual LCDs over his dog’s head on the way out and see if he pulls that “umm, umm, I didn’t get it - it must have gone in the spam folder” crap ever again. Once word gets out that you’re SERIOUS about link building, the rest of those wimps in the blogosphere will fall right into line.

So there you have it. If you can’t build links now, armed with these two high powered articles, then it’s time you seriously considered a career change.

Tagged: Funny, Link Bait |