SEO Black Hat: SEO Blog and Private Forum

By now you must have seen a few Apple reviews that are so gushing that they almost cross the line to pornographic:

“When Apple Rules The World - What does it mean when you really, really want to lick a new MacBook Pro, and swoon?”

Are these reviewers so taken by the beauty and power of the machine that the reviews have to read like a trashy novel? What’s the deal?

I never quite understood how sexy the Mac Book Pro could be until Iarrived here in Rio De Janeiro. After finding an Open Wi-Fi Connection in my hotel room I set up my home-office and left for a night on the town.

Sure enough, when we returned from our night out, that hot and sexy Aluminum case was waiting to give us the Full Apple Experience.

Wasting no time, she beckoned us to Key Stroke and stroke and stroke. This Mac Book Pro Was Both incredibly FAST and EASY. It got me thinking, what could be better than Core2Duo?

2Core2Duo2!!!!!

2 Mac Book Pro Core 2 Duos - Now I am the Quad-Father! muhahahahahaha

Next, it was time to plug in the Special “Mac Lover” USB Microphone with harmonious cosmic hum. Intel’s not the only thing inside of these sensuous beauties.

Apple showed me how easily these two machines could interface as we heard what can only be described as a multiple Dual Corgasm:

The ecstasy didn’t stop there. These sexy beasts wanted to boast their performance, connectivity, and Serviceability. They screamed for a bigger, Harder 500 GB Drive and would not settle for anything less than 30 Inches of LDC Love:

This orgy of performance and connectivity has certainly turned me into a Mac lover. I can honestly say that, now, I do indeed “Think Different”.

Tagged: Link Bait |

Wouldn’t it be great if you had a 500 Gig Hard Drive full of all the best movies ever made? Problem is, every time you look for a list, they always have these films on there from the 40s, 50s, 60s and early to mid 70s.

Who wants to see that crap?

So I’ve gone through the trouble of sorting through the best movies from only the last 30 years. I was going to put an Amazon link to them, but I’d rather you go download or Rent & Rip them just to piss off the RIAA MPAA (whoops).

So, from the land of off topic posts, I present to you the list of the 250 Best Movies Made in the Last 30 years.

48 Hrs. (1982)
A Christmas Story (1983)
Airplane! (1980)
Alien (1979)
Aliens (1986)
Almost Famous (2000)
Amadeus (1984)
American Beauty (1999)
American History X (1998)
Amores Perros (2000)
Animal House (1978)
Apocalypse Now (1979)
Army of Darkness (1992)
Aviator, The (2004)
Back to the Future (1985)
Bad Lieutenant (1992)
Bad Taste (1987)
Basketball Diaries, The (1995)
Batman Begins (2005)
Beetle Juice (1988)
Before Sunset (2004)
Being John Malkovich (1999)
Beverly Hills Cop (1984)
Big Fish (2003)
Big Lebowski, The (1998)
Big Trouble in Little China (1986)
Blade Runner (1982)
Blair Witch Project, The (1999)
Blow (2001)
Blues Brothers, The (1980)
Boiler Room (2000)
Boogie Nights (1997)
Boondock Saints,The (1999)
Braveheart (1995)
Brazil (1985)
Breakfast Club, The (1985)
Breaking the Waves (1996)
Bronx Tale, A (1993)
Buffalo ‘66 (1998)
Butterfly Effect, The (2004)
Caddyshack (1980)
Casino (1995)
Catch Me If You Can (2002)
Chasing Amy (1997)
Cidade de Deus (2002)
Cinderella Man (2005)
Clash of the Titans (1981)
Clerks (1994)
Closer (2004)
Clue (1985)
Crash (2004)
Crimson Tide (1995)
Cube (1997)
Dark Crystal, The (1982)
Dead Man (1995)
Dead Man’s Shoes (2004)
Dead Poets Society (1989)
Departed, The (2006)
Descent, The (2005)
Devil’s Advocate, The (1997)
Die Hard (1988)
Donnie Brasco (1997)
Donnie Darko (2001)
Drugstore Cowboy (1989)
Dumb & Dumber (1994)
Dune (1984)
Ed Wood (1994)
Edward Scissorhands (1990)
El Mariachi (1992)
Elephant Man, The (1980)
Escape from Alcatraz (1979)
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
Event Horizon (1997)
Evil Dead, The (1981)
Fabuleux destin d’Amélie Poulain, Le (2001)
Fargo (1996)
Fatal Attraction (1987)
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986)
Few Good Men, A (1992)
Fifth Element, The (1997)
Fight Club (1999)
Finding Nemo (2003)
Finding Neverland (2004)
Fish Called Wanda, A (1988)
Flash Gordon (1980)
Forrest Gump (1994)
Fugitive, The (1993)
Full Metal Jacket (1987)
Galaxy Quest (1999)
Game, The (1997)
Gandhi (1982)
Ghost Busters (1984)
Girl, Interrupted (1999)
Gladiator (2000)
Glengarry Glen Ross (1992)
Glory (1989)
Good Morning, Vietnam (1987)
Good Will Hunting (1997)
Goodfellas (1990)
Goonies, The (1985)
Green Mile, The (1999)
Gremlins (1984)
Grosse Point Blank (1997)
Groundhog Day (1993)
Hable con ella (2002)
Hackers (1995)
Halloween (1978)
Hamlet (1996)
Happiness (1998)
Heat (1995)
Heathers (1989)
Hero (AKA Ying xiong) (2002)
History of the World: Part I (1981)
Hotaru no haka (1988)
Hotel Rwanda (2004)
Hunt for Red October, The (1990)
Idi i smotri (1985)
In The Company Of Men (1997)
Incredibles, The (2004)
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984)
Jurassic Park (1993)
Kids (1995)
Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (2003)
Kill Bill: Vol. 2 (2004)
L.A. Confidential (1997)
Labyrinth (1986)
Lean on Me (1989)
Legend (1985)
Léon (1994)
Lethal Weapon (1987)
Life of Brian (1979)
Little Miss Sunshine (2006)
Little Shop of Horrors (1986)
Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998)
Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)
Lost Boys, The (1987)
Lost Highway (1997)
Mad Max (1979)
Magnolia (1999)
Major League (1989)
Matchstick Men (2003)
Matrix, The (1999)
Memento (2000)
Million Dollar Baby (2004)
Mononoke-hime (1997)
Monsters, Inc. (2001)
Mystic River (2003)
Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! (1988)
NeverEnding Story, The (1984)
Nightmare on Elm Street, A (1984)
Office Space (1999)
Oldboy (2003)
Once Upon a Time in America (1984)
Pianist, The (2002)
Pink Floyd The Wall (1982)
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest (2006)
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)
Planes, Trains & Automobiles (1987)
Platoon (1986)
Player, The (1992)
Point Break (1991)
Poltergeist (1982)
Predator (1987)
Pretty Woman (1990)
Primal Fear (1996)
Princess Bride, The (1987)
Pulp Fiction (1994)
Quiet Earth, The (1985)
Raging Bull (1980)
Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
Raising Arizona (1987)
Ran (1985)
Ray (2004)
Real Genius (1985)
Requiem for a Dream (2000)
Reservoir Dogs (1992)
Revenge of the Nerds (1984)
RoboCop (1987)
Romancing the Stone (1984)
Romeo + Juliet (1996)
Run Lola Run (1998)
Saving Private Ryan (1998)
Say Anything… (1989)
Scarface (1983)
Schindler’s List (1993)
Scream (1996)
Se7en (1995)
Sen to Chihiro no kamikakushi (2001)
Serenity (2005)
Sex, Lies, And Videotape (1989)
Shallow Grave (1994)
Shawshank Redemption, The (1994)
Shining, The (1980)
Shrek (2001)
Shrek 2 (2004)
Silence of the Lambs, The (1991)
Sin City (2005)
Sixth Sense, The (1999)
SLC Punk! (1998)
Sliding Doors (1998)
Snatch. (2000)
Sneakers (1992)
South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut (1999)
Spaceballs (1987)
Sphere (1998)
Stand by Me (1986)
Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan (1982)
Star Wars (1977)
Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi (1983)
Starship Troopers (1997)
Straight Story, The (1999)
Superman (1978)
Superman II (1980)
Swingers (1996)
Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)
Terminator, The (1984)
There’s Something About Mary (1998)
Thirteen (2003)
Titanic (1997)
Tombstone (1993)
Top Gun (1986)
Total Recall (1990)
Toy Story (1995)
Toy Story 2 (1999)
Trainspotting (1996)
Transformers: The Movie (1986)
True Romance (1993)
Twelve Monkeys (1995)
Unforgiven (1992)
Untergang, Der (2004)
Usual Suspects, The (1995)
V for Vendetta (2005)
Vacation (1983)
Vita è bella, La (1997)
Walk the Line (2005)
Wall Street (1987)
Wallace & Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit (2005)
WarGames (1983)
When Harry Met Sally… (1989)
Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988)
Wild Things (1998)
Willow (1988)
Withnail And I (1987)
Wo hu cang long (2000)
X2 (2003)

Do you agree with the list? What movies are missing from the perfect 500 Gig hard Drive Collection?

Tagged: link bait |

Tagged: Link Bait |

As I sit here writing on the world’s greatest personal computer (The Mac Pro Quad Xeon 64-bit workstation with dual 30 inch monitors):

I can’t help but pity you Wal-Mart shoppers who still use software from the Antichrist (Microsoft) and can’t figure out how to get on the front page of Digg (Idiots!).

So, I did some statistical analysis, using my Open Office Firefox plugin, of all the stories that made the front page of Digg in the past year and have come up with:

The 10 Steps to Guarantee You Make the Digg Front Page

Hopefully, you will be able to use them before we all die because of global warming next year . . .

1. Make A List or Tutorial Headline. Your Headline should make it seem like the reader’s online success is just a 5 minute read away. Remember, the average digger has the attention span of a gnat on crack. Diggers want the fast, easy answer that will solve all their problems. Your headline must appeal to people with severe ADD or most people won’t even read your article - let alone Digg it.

*In the past year, a “top 10” or “top 100” list has made the front page on average once every other day.

2. Write about Digg. Could a site be any more narcissistic? I think not. Digg likes itself so much that Paris Hilton looks about as humble as a Nun by comparison. People must be sitting at their computers going “OMG Look it’s a story about Digg! That’s sooooooo cool! I’ll totally digg that!” Bonus points if you mention Kevin Rose.

* In the past year, stories with “Digg” in the submission have made the front page a whopping 554 times and mentioned Kevin Rose by name an average of once a week.

3. Appeal to the Apple fanboys. Did you hear from someone who knows someone who served a Cream Chai Latte to Steve Jobs about some Mac Rumor? Well that’s front page Digg Material all the way! Don’t know why, but if Apple lets out a fart, diggers can’t wait to comment on the rosy smell.

* Stories with “Apple” in the Submission have made the front page a mind blowing 1225 times in the past year.

4. Doom and Gloom about how Global Warming will destroy us all. Who cares if we only have real data that covers about 1/20,000,000 of the earth’s history? (unless you’re a creationist, then it’s like 1/40th). So what if there is nothing but anecdotal evidence to support almost every claim? Does it matter that world’s best meteorologists can’t even tell me if it’s going to rain tomorrow?

No!

Diggers don’t really like to DO anything about global warming, but feel guilty about it despite a lack of conclusive evidence. In that sense, I guess it’s kinda like “Religion 2.0”. Diggers will Digg Global warming Doom and Gloom stories so they can “feel” like they “did something” to “help mankind.” All while consuming more electricity, more oil and more natural resources than the 80% of the world’s population that doesn’t even have a computer.

* A junk science, doom and Gloom story about Global Warming will make the front page of Digg on average of once a week.

5. Write about how great Firefox is. When it comes to Firefox, no story is too lame, no plugin is too useless and no article can praise Firefox too much for the front page of Digg. Sure, it’s just a freaking browser. Sure, it leaks memory faster than . . . umm . . . some kind of leaky thing leaking much faster than usual. Sure no one really needs YAFFFP - but who cares?!?

* In the past year, a firefox story has made the front page on average once every day.

6. Remember: Walmart, George Bush, and Fox News have NEVER done ANYTHING right. Everything they do is because they are 100% evil to the core. This REAL Axis of Evil delights in the clear-cutting of forests just for shits and giggles, the sadistic torture of children, and is right now plotting the Next 9/11 attack on America. Here’s a link to a Jon Stewart Video that proves it’s all true!

* * actually, I’m not a fan of George Bush; but his coverage on Digg is more rigged than a Diebold voting machine. Maybe he should ask for a Digg recount?

7. Repeat after me: “Microsoft sucks, Microsoft Sucks, Microsoft Sucks.” So what if 97% of all computer users use their products? Ignore that they’ve been the most consistent winner for the last 25 years in a space littered with failures. Who cares if their founder has given more to charity than any human in the history of mankind? They suck! And they are evil! Why? Because it’s cool to say so.

Don’t believe me? Check out this screenshot of the most recent Digg front page Microsoft Stories. I was going to parody it up, but there’s no need!

* 94% of the front page articles that mentioned Microsoft in the past year cast the company in a negative light.

8. Make up outrageous statistics that you have not researched. State your opinions as fact. Sure, they might get vetted by some geek who has nothing better to do, but that probably won’t happen until you’ve already made the front page.

9. Insult as many groups as you can. Flamewars are popular for a reason. Throw out bombs that dare people to comment on your story. If you haven’t pissed off half your readers by the end of your article, it’s probably because you don’t have the balls or you’re too stupid to figure out how.

10. Include the word’s slowest loading Plugin so people can Digg your Story without leaving your site. If you manage to type 1000 words, there’s at least a chance that it will finish loading before the reader has finished reading your article. Then if you’re lucky, about 5% of your lazy-ass readers might actually click the button to digg your story:

Tagged: Funny, Link Bait, Digg, Best Posts |

Jamie at SEO Egghead has tracked down 21 interesting SEO Tips that Matt Cutts has doled out over the last year (with links). It’s a nice refresher on topics like dashes in domains, link selling FUD, URL parameters, the title tag, and much more.

Sure, Matt Could be just Astroturfing, but it’s nice to see a compiled list of what he has advised on the subject of SEO in Google. It’s certainly a link-worthy article.

Tagged: link bait |

By now you are aware of Seattle Washington’s Jason Fortuny evil sexbaiting stunt. It’s been everywhere including Slashdot, Wired and will soon be in all the major newspapers.

In my opinion, Jason Fortuny’s future looks rather bleak. But who can guess when and in what way Karma will decide to deliver her ass-whoppin’?

Well, since he wanted to have some fun at the expense of others, I figure you should get to have some fun at his expense.

So, if you can accurately predict Jason Fortuny’s demise, you can win our “$500 Demise of Craiglist Prankster Jason Fortuny Contest.”

Here are the 3 possibilities we will include in the contest:

1. Criminal Indictment against Jason Fortuny

MrTurner at Threadwatch pointed out that what Jason did is a 2257 violation:

But the biggest issue he could fall into is the fact that posting nude images online without proper 2257 documentation is illegal. You can’t post nude images online in the US without proof that the individual is 18 years of age or older. A single offense could be a fine of $25,000 and up to 5 years in jail.

 

So there is certainly a chance for a federal indictment. Choice one is for a criminal Indictment of Jason Fortuny stemming from his publicity stunt (not a conviction).

2. Civil Damages awarded against Jason Fortuny
It is also likely that he would lose in civil court for either Intention Inflictional of emotional distress, copyright violations, or public disclosure of private facts. Choice two is for a court or Jury to award civil monetary damages exceeding $100k. This seems the most likely, but it may take the longest to come about.

3. Physical Harm or Death to Jason Fortuny
There is also the chance that one his victims will inflict enough violence on him to either put him in the hospital or the morgue. I am not endorsing this type of action, but it seems a possibility given his high profile, the availability of his contact information, the personality type of the people he screwed over and proximity to his more than 170 victims.

*You may not win this contest if you are one of the victims and you perform the violence (sorry, liability and all). Nor can you incite the violence to try to win the contest, it has to just happen naturally.

So put on your Nostradamus hats, whip out your crystal balls, or just take a wild guess!

Entries should be in this form in the comment section (one entry per person):

[Choice], [date], and [some comment mentioning Jason Fortuny]

If more than one person picks the winning choice and date, the $500 prize will be split. If no one picks the right date / choice combination, no prize will be awarded. First qualifying event ends the contest. If nothing happens to him - everybody loses.

Tagged: link bait |

Today, Google launched Google Images Labeler, a game with this description:

You’ll be randomly paired with a partner who’s online and using the feature. Over a 90-second period, you and your partner will be shown the same set of images and asked to provide as many labels as possible to describe each image you see. When your label matches your partner’s label, you’ll earn some points and move on to the next image until time runs out. After time expires, you can explore the images you’ve seen and the websites where those images were found. And we’ll show you the points you’ve earned throughout the session.

 

What the description should say is this:

You’ll be paired with a brain dead and partially blind fucktard who can’t spell or type. Over a 90-second period, you will loose all faith in humanity and have a homicidal rage build inside you to the point where you think that Jeffrey Dahmer might have been on to something. When you finally debase your mind to think how your opponent thinks, you may be allowed to look at the next image. After time expires, if you have not thrown your computer out your window or succeeded in committing suicide, you may continue to torture yourself by playing again

 

Don’t believe me? Let’s walk through a typical game . . .

You press start and this picture comes on the screen:

So you quickly bang out “candle”, “white candle”, “flame”, “fire”, “dark”, “wax” and “glow” in the first 4 seconds. The clock has counted down from 1:30 to 1:21 and your partner has entered one label that matches none of yours. Finally at 1:15 he puts in “candle” (100 points) and the next image appears:

You type “child”, “girl”, “young”, “cute”, “adorable”, “blonde”, “smirk”, “smile”. The donkey has typed 9 labels and none match. You press pass and when the clock counts down to 1:00 and he passes too. What the hell was that idiot typing?!? Ears? Marble? . . . Sexy!?! The next image pops up:

So you type in “Tom Cruise”. Mr. Asshat has one label. Instinctively, you know that he can’t spell “cruise” and type “tom cruze” for a quick match and you’re down to 0:55 with 200 points:

You type “disco”, “party”, “nightclub”, “bar”, “purple” . . . Your tormentor waits 5 seconds and wants to pass. WTF? Is that really that hard? Whatever, this next one will be easy:

You feverishly type “Beach”, “Sunset”, “Beach Sunset” and pause for a sec, the clock now reads 0:35. That fucktard has typed 2 labels. So you scramble to bang out “ocean”, “clouds”, “sun”, “skyline”, “waves”, “wave”, “reflection”, “running” . . . meanwhile that waste of oxygen on the other keyboard is up to 3 now and the clock reads 0:25. You type “runner”, “water”, “yellow”, and finally have a match with “orange” at 0:21.

At this point you want to reach through the screen and slap the shit out of that loser. “Orange”? Are you fucking kidding me? Who the hell looks at that picture and says “Orange is the best way to describe this one”. How is that going to help anyone? It’s a picture of a Beach Sunset and says BEACH SUNSET on it. And what the hell were his other 3 labels?!? But no time to think about that now, this image has just loaded on the screen with 20 seconds to go:

So you quickly type “railway”, “tracks”, “rail tracks”, “train tracks”, “train”, “rail”, “rails”, “tracks”. He has 4 labels . . . the clock is down to :08. You type “building”, “skyline”, “gloomy” . . . the clock says :02 and you type “I wanna kill that douchebag!” BUZZZZ time’s up. You scored a total of 300 points with your “partner”.

Your girlfriend asks you “what wrong?” as you are holding a fist full of your own hair in each hand.

Wanna play again?

Tagged: Funny, Link Bait |

Slumdance has a fascinating piece on the debunking of Lonelygirl15. Really, this one is absolutely a must read!

Amid the detailed analysis of how Lonelygirl15 was exposed is this gem on viral marking a faux documentary:

The story is not king. In conventional film and TV writing, a commitment to Aristotelian principles wisely ranks story at the top of the list. All other elements are subordinate to the plot. But in mock-doc, the style takes story’s place at the top. Not one single idea should make it into the piece if it is not 100% consistent with the central conceit. Because in this form of fiction, unlike most others, one inconsistent part can destroy the whole.

 

Very interesting! Imagine building link bait where the story is not central to (and often a detriment) its’ success.

Business week confirmed that the story was, in fact, a fake: edit: a likely scenario goes something like this (ty LG15fanclub)

Lonelygirl15 is not “real,” but, contrary to some early speculation, the videos are not part of a viral marketing campaign dreamed up by some major advertiser, nor some music marketing company, nor a promotional stunt set up by one of the Viacoms or NBCs of the world.

 

So what’s this have to do with SEO? Everything! Hoax marketing is like link building on Nitro. Once you get your head around that, you will have such a huge advantage over other SEOs and Copywriters that you will wonder how you ever promoted with out it.

A reader emailed me:

I read your article on “switching to self-employed“. I like my current job (LAMP stuff), but being my own boss is really tempting. Would you have any advice for me? Going adult is an option but I heard that’s not so easy as it used to be - very competitive.

Any ideas appreciated.

 

Become the best link bait professional in the world. Learn everything that is involved in viral and hoax marketing. Get the instant messenger IDs for influential bloggers and start up a dialog so they know you. Build social networking site teams. Come up with amazing link bait and ask for links: real link bait - stuff that has a chance to go viral.

You do that and you will never need a “Job” again.

Tagged: Link Bait |

The art of blog is of vital importance to the Web. It is a matter of links and bait, a road either to prosperity or to ruin. Hence it is a subject of inquiry which can on no account be neglected.

1. Regard your readers as your students and they will link to your from the deepest valleys of the Net.

2. He who wishes to blog must first count the cost. When you engage in blogging, if good posts are long in coming, then reader’s attention will grow dull and their fervor will be dampened. If you blog 5 times a day in the beginning, you will exhaust your strength. Regarding post frequency, think quality over quantity. Again, as blogging is a marathon, the resources of the Blogger may not be equal to the strain. For if your mind is dulled, your ardor dampened, your strength exhausted and your mental treasure spent, other bloggers will spring up to take advantage of your extremity. . . In blogging, then, let your great objectives be links and readers, not post frequency or lengthy post.

3. If your target is interesting at all points, link to him. If he is in superior traffic, bait him. If he is unaware of you, seek to add value in his comment section. If seeking his links, select the best page. When giving feedback, do it correctly. Attack him where he is unprepared, add value where you are not expected.

4. The Blogger who wins the readers makes many calculations about his headlines before the post is written. The Blogger who loses Readers makes but few calculations beforehand and speaks constantly of himself. Thus do many calculations lead to success, and few calculations to failure: how much more so for no calculation at all! It is by attention to this point that one can foresee who is likely to win or lose Readers.

5. If you make a mistake out of haste or misjudgment, Apologize quickly and publicly. Do not simply delete the offending post. Do not entrench yourself in a losing position. Better to admit you were wrong quickly and make amends, than to dig the hole of your own grave.

6. To link and bait in all your posts is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists in both winning new readers and retaining existing ones.

7. It is only one who is thoroughly acquainted with the evils of SEO that can thoroughly understand the profitable ways of carrying it on.

8. The great bloggers of old first put themselves beyond the possibility of defeat by consistantly writing great and informative posts, and then prepares for the opportunity to gain search traffic with SEO.

9. Bestow links without regard to page rank, direct readers without regard to previous value but on the value of the post you are referencing. Send readers away to other great posts liberally and they will return more fervently and more frequently than if you try to hoard them. In blogging, the tightest grasp is with an open fist.

10. Send your troops to Digg Great Posts, To Vote on Netscape, to Comment on Reddit and to bookmark on Delicious that they may recruit more readers to your following. Ask that they link to your posts of value so that you may return the favor when the opportunity arises.

Tagged: Best Posts, Design, Link Bait, blogging |

If SEO Black Hat and Porn are the only website you bother frequenting then you might not of heard about Link Building Professional Andy Hagan and Aaron Wall’s latest link building article by now. In it, they list 101 ways to build links, but they left out the 7 Even More effective ways for you to build links to your websites.

So consider this post a much needed an appendix to that link building article:

At Webmaster Conferences:

1. Roll to Conferences with your digital camera and some super Hot Rent-a-Sluts. While a good time in and of itself, you can also use this opportunity to build links . . .

Just get those tramps to press their cleavage against several high profile webmasters, point, and shoot. Then Post the pictures on your website and email the webmaster saying “dude, you look like such a Pimp in this picture, check it out . . . and link it up!”.
Plus, it’s not like you weren’t gonna be droppin’ $2k on hookers that weekend anyway. Now, you can legitimately write them off as a business expense.

2. Hook people up with coke. Ever notice that the guy at the party with the coke is always the most popular? Aside from getting all the babes, if you give coke to other webmasters they’ll be sure to hook you up with some link love.

Blackmail

3. Get a picture of a Journalist in a “compromising position” and tell them they either link to you or the dirt goes public. The same props from link building suggestions 1 and 2 will come in handy here. And when I say “Journalist”, I don’t mean just some shitty blogger like me; I’m talkin’ like NBC, the BBC, or the New York times. (Come on, you don’t really believe that CNN would just naturally link to a site called “SEO Black Hat” – do you?)

Hoax Marketing

4. Can’t get the scoop on anything before everyone and their dog has blogged about it? Then make some shit up! It doesn’t matter if it’s far fetched or down right impossible. The crazier it is the better. Don’t worry; people will believe it AND link to it. You could even say something like you blackmailed a high profile reporter at CNN and some douchebags would fall for it.

Bribery

5. College kids are always short on cash and can often make blogs or web pages on juicy .edu domain. 2+2=links for you. For just the price of a case of Budweiser, you could land yourself multiple links from a prestigious university that will stick around for up to 4 years . . . or more!

Hacking

6. Hack other people’s websites: Why bother asking webmasters for a link? Become a 1337 and just take ‘em! Hax0r your way into other sites and insert your links wherever you damn well please.

Extortion

7. Join the Mafia. Why grovel for links from a webmaster when you can make him an offer he can’t refuse? Someone ignoring your “request” for a link trade? Send over some goons to bust his kneecaps! Smash that dork’s dual LCDs over his dog’s head on the way out and see if he pulls that “umm, umm, I didn’t get it - it must have gone in the spam folder” crap ever again. Once word gets out that you’re SERIOUS about link building, the rest of those wimps in the blogosphere will fall right into line.

So there you have it. If you can’t build links now, armed with these two high powered articles, then it’s time you seriously considered a career change.

Tagged: Funny, Link Bait |